Listening
Build rapport and empathy
Coaching using a questioning process
The art of listening.
Listening is probably the most important part of communication and yet in the era we live in it has become a forgotten art. The hustle and bustle of modern life and social norms mean that interactions with other human beings brings “noise” from all parties engaged in conversation.
Try observing people engaged in conversation and you will see that it is very rare for one of them to be silent for very long. Polite society dictates that we make small talk, the normal prelude to conversations at a deeper level, we the English are sublime in our ability to fill silence with subjects such as the weather, or football or last night’s episode of X factor. this cacophony of noise is in fact getting in the way of communication. A lot is being said but not much of it is truly heard. There are two basic parts to any communication, firstly what is being transmitted, and secondly that which is received. If we are busy filling any silences due to pressures of wanting to be polite and engage with people, as is the social norm then how much of what is being transmitted is actually being received, and in what level of detail?
In a training environment this can create great difficulties if we only really hear part of the message, if we are not truly tuned in to the transmission, and by that I mean really listening, in an active way. We learn as trainers to compensate for the lack of message content by second guessing, or using our experience and knowledge to “fill the gap”
There is a different (better?) way to tackle this and there are two aspects to it. the type of question used, and the type of listening we do after asking the question.
As trainers we often feel we are listening, and in fact are good listeners (I used to count myself as a really good listener) but the reality is quite often we may be just being silent and waiting our turn to speak. Or worse still being silent thinking about the next question we are going to ask, that will surely get our learner to where we both wish to be. We are trained as driver trainers to ask questions mostly designed to furnish us with the answer that we wish to hear, for example “how might you have negotiated that last roundabout better?” or “what do you think would improve that last junction emerge?” these are questions that are designed to get the learner to tell you what you already know, i.e if they did x, y or z that it would improve things. This is a very limited form of questioning which reduces the number of possible answers the learner can give. We often then complicate things further by asking supplementary questions, asked with the best of intentions by an eager instructor to give clarity to what they want, or sometimes to correct a badly phrased question, it is often the case that 4, 5 or even 6 questions are asked, leaving the poor learner confused as to which particular question they should answer.
The type of question outlined above is designed to have the learner find out for themselves what you would have told them otherwise, and in this way they will learn (and they will). However, there is a form of questioning that can be used that will enable instructor and pupil to find solutions to issues that really cut to what the problems are. the type of questioning outlined above is almost learning by rote! What we need is real learning to take place and solutions to issues discovered by the learner themselves, in this way the solutions will seem more relevant to the learner and they are more likely to stick with the solution they came up with themselves. So to get to this we need to ask questions that we the instructor do not know the answer to ( a coaching question) and they would be questions along the lines of “how did you feel as you negotiated that last roundabout?” or “what were you thinking while we drove out of that junction?” As the instructor you do not know the answer to these questions, and yet the answer to the question will surely unlock the learner, and un-stick them from a plateaux they may be on.
The secret is in what we do after the question is asked, how we listen is critical to better outcomes for our learners as well as us as instructors. There are several levels of listening, but only the upper level of proper “active listening” will yield the results we are looking for. Take the time next time you are in a coffee shop or a pub and watch the interactions between people and you will see the various levels of listening on display, the body language of the person “listening” will almost give away what sort of listening they are doing.
Level 1 Not listening
Body language signs
body turned away slightly from speaker
glancing at watch
looking around the room
no eye contact
arms folded
messing with phone/ipad
overheard conversation
person 1 “I’m thinking of putting in for a promotion at work”
person 2 “did you see the footy on telly last night?”
or
person 1 “I’m thinking of putting in for a promotion at work”
person 2 (interrupting)”I did that once, it was great I got the job”
Level 2 Half listening
Body language signs
Not looking interested and either not looking at or turned away slightly from speaker
appears distracted by looking out of the window
switching from listening to taking over the conversation
limited eye contact
not sitting still (shuffling)
overheard conversation
person 1 “I’m thinking of putting in for a promotion at work”
person 2 “I’ll tell you what you need to do”
Level 3 Attentive listening
Body language signs
looks interested in the speaker
maintains appropriate eye contact
head tilted to one side demonstrating interest
sitting still
smiling
nodding
overheard conversation
person 1 “I’m thinking of putting in for a promotion at work”
person 2 “that’s interesting tell me more about that”
The final level is true active listening where you are engaged with the speaker wholeheartedly, and are demonstrating it with your body language and the way you listen. It is important to make encouraging noises such as hmmm, ah, yes, I see (but not interrupt) and active listening looks the same as attentive listening but it is different in the way things are followed up.
Level 4 active listening
Body language signs
looks interested in the speaker
maintains appropriate eye contact
head tilted to one side demonstrating interest
sitting still
smiling
nodding
overheard conversation
person 1 “I’m thinking of putting in for a promotion at work”
person 2 “what is it that has prevented you from doing it?”
what then follows is absolute silence from person 2 who has just asked the question, which allows thinking time for person 1. the golden rule here is that the silence can only be broken by the person being asked the question. It is very difficult in the face of the training you had as an instructor to deal with silence, we are told we should fill these silences with learning opportunities. the silence is the greatest learning opportunity of all as it allows clear, quality thinking time. It may be that the person being asked the question will respond “I don’t know” and this is fine because a follow up question can then be asked, a question such as “if you did know what would you say?” or “what would your best guess be?”
Try not filling the silence and see what results it is possible to achieve by giving the learner (and you) some clear blue thinking time.
The previous conversation started an active listening level may pan out in a surprising way if you allow it the right time and space and ask very thoughtful questions.
For example;
person 1 “I’m thinking of putting in for a promotion at work”
person 2 ” what is it that has prevented you from doing it?”
person 1 “well it’s not easy to find the time, the boss and I have such busy schedules”
person 2 ” what can you do to try and nail down an appointment?”
person 1 “I suppose I could get my secretary to organise it with his PA, but I don’t like to ask”
person 2 ” what is about asking that you don’t like?”
person 1 “Well he might say no!”
Although the example used does not relate to driving instruction you can see that by asking questions that you do not already know the answer to and by listening more, we can uncover things that we wouldn’t otherwise.
In a learner driver context it may work by finding out the feelings that are underlying any issues, for example.
Instructor “how did you feel negotiating that last roundabout?”
Pupil “terrified!”
Instructor “what was it about it that terrified you?”
Pupil “I just feel overwhelmed because I have so much to think about all at once!”
Instructor “is there anything I can do to help you with that?”
Pupil “could you show me how you do it?”
They will likely (given enough silence following the question)come up with a level of help that they feel would be useful to the, don’t assume they don’t know because given the chance to think for a little while (silence is golden) they do!
Try it and see
Building rapport & empathy
Building rapport is about creating the environment where learning is sped up by someone feeling safe from harm, in an environment where they feel free from judgment. An environment where they feel comfortable taking ownership of the process moving forward. They are empowered!
Human beings feel most comfortable when dealing with people we see as being like us. This could include appearance and clothes, body language/physical gestures, word use /language, tone and accent of voice, beliefs and values. There are a number of techniques that are beneficial in building rapport such as matching/mirroring
- body language
- word use
- voice – speed/tone/accent
- maintaining eye contact (or indeed not if this is not culturally acceptable)
- and even matching breathing rhythm
However, be careful that we do this in a genuine way otherwise the person may think you are trying to ridicule them.
Most people who are good at dealing with people build rapport automatically without thinking too much about it. Never the less it is good to reflect on how you are doing in this regard as it can make a big difference to how quickly you are able to develop equal relationships necessary for effective adult to adult learning to take place. The best place to elicit feedback as to how you are doing in this regard is to ask your learners. If you have created the right environment they should feel comfortable giving such feedback. You should welcome such feedback as they are offering you an opportunity to improve your service offering.
Coaching using a questioning process
The coaching process is a conversation where the coach asks coaching questions based on what the learner tells us their wants and desires for the following session. The purpose is raising awareness and evoking relevant thoughts, feelings and responses to help them identify what is holding them back and discover a way to move forward. It is a form of discovery learning where the person being coached is attempting to learn how to achieve a particular outcome without being advised or told what to do or indeed what that outcome should be.
What exactly are Coaching questions?
Coaching questions help the learner to reflect on and explore information or experiences to help them become aware of how these experiences may help in making progress towards the outcomes they desire.
Another aspect of coaching questions is that they follow the learner’s interests which basically means any question is formed as a result of actively listening to what the learner says and not what the coach thinks or feels. Active listening starts by emptying your mind and focussing on what the learner is communicating to you (either intentionally or not) rather than you looking for confirmation to carry on with what you want to do or the point you want to make. It is about putting yourself in their shoes trying to see what they are saying from their perspective and following up with a response based on that understanding alone. We really need to be asking questions we do not know the answer to. Traditional instruction generally asks questions to affirm the learner or coachee knows what we know, or understands what we want them to understand. Whilst this works, it rarely helps us to gain true understanding and simply conditions the learner to answer in ways we approve of.
For example, after a very poorly executed roundabout, it is traditional to ask, “how might you have done that better?” the person asking (i.e. the instructor) believes they know the answer (i.e. what was wrong and what should have been done), and as such the question doesn’t really help the learner other than to make them aware of the instructor’s disapproval and the need to figure out what the instructor thinks. The coaching question might be “how do you feel that went?” possibly followed by “can you remember when you started to feel uncomfortable?” …”can you put your finger on the trigger that caused this?”…”what might you do to prevent the same effect being triggered next time?”….”how might you go about that?”….”which of those would you like to try first?”….”would you like to do a review after that or move straight on to the roundabout again?”… “so if I have understood it properly you would like to do x first to see how you feel before considering whether to have another go at the roundabout?”… “OK please feel free to move off when you are ready” and so on. Notice how the questioning follows a coaching process of helping the learner to establish what they want to do or feel better about (i.e. the goal) in light of their experience followed by helping them to decide what stopped them moving forward or moving forward as quickly as they would have liked and how might they now move forward in light of that understanding.
Coaching using discovery learning
One of the few “training” methods truly compatible with coaching is discovery learning or natural learning because it is self-directed. However, as already stated, using this learning method is much more effective if it forms part of a structured experience as the chances of the learner discovering the things they want or need to discover are dramatically increased, as are the chances of a successful outcome. The learner gets all the benefits of natural learning without the potential drawbacks or risks of trying to bite off more than they can chew or the relevant learning situations never materialising. As a learning method it can be effectively utilised in either the mentoring or the coaching role.
Natural or experiential learning can fully engage both the conscious and the sub-conscious mind in harmony, dramatically boosting the learners learning potential. However, when incorporated into formal instruction led practice such harmony rarely exists. The book “The Inner Game of Tennis” written by Tim Gallwey was probably the first publication to throw light on to this issue with conventional directive coaching (1970s). The book explains the importance of stilling the conscious mind so as to allow the much more powerful sub-conscious mind to learn through experience without interference from the former. This also includes interference caused by the coach engaging the learner’s conscious mind through their instructions, tips, procedures etc as well as the interference from the learner’s own judgements and self-doubt. Tim is also recognised by many coaching experts as the founding father of modern day coaching in all its various guises.
It is generally accepted that skills development typically follows a cycle of four stage as shown below:
1. Unconscious incompetence – we
are incompetent but we are blissfully
unaware of the fact
2. Conscious incompetence – we are
still incompetent but now we are
uncomfortably aware of the fact
3. Conscious competence – we are
only competent with a lot of conscious
effort but our performance is hit and
miss
4. Unconscious competence – we are
competent with little or no conscious
effort and cannot understand what all
the fuss was about
Traditional training dwells far too much on the conscious aspect of learning a skill which to some degree creates the above cycle. We often learn skills best when we are not even thinking about them such as when we are playing. Filling the conscious mind with a list of things to do or not do, or how you will look if you fail all act as interference in Tim Gallwey’s model of:
Performance = Potential minus Interference
Interference comes in many forms, anxiety on the part of the learner (or coach) the step being taken being too large and thus scaring the learner, unnecessarily complicated plans, too much instruction, self doubt etc…
Learning skills by experience, directed by the learner simply imagining or visualising the outcome without judgement, appears to potentially cut out or dramatically reduce the time in stages 2 and 3 of the cycle above. The more you involve the conscious mind in the development of a skill through theory and instructions the more it seems to interfere with our natural learning process of monkey see monkey do. Just visualise the outcome and how it might feel and leave the rest to learning through the experience of doing. The coach can help to set up the activity that the learner wants to undertake in pursuit of their goal using their experience of what exercises may work better than others, but the exercise of learning should be directed by the learner themselves.
So the skill of the coach here is to learn how not to interfere, to keep quiet, to actively remove any support from the learner (other than to inspire self-belief and helping to direct the learner away from unhelpful thoughts or feelings) and ignore any attempts by the learner to be drawn back into the process.
It is also about helping the learner to find a suitable activity in which to engage i.e. the structured experience. Any such activity should be able to be performed by the learner without your support or interference and should represent a manageable step i.e. one that the learner is ready to take for which you can maintain safety. However, this doesn’t mean the activity should not be challenging, on the contrary, it should as this will create a certain amount of positive stress priming the mind and body to get ready for learning.
Any challenge should create a certain amount of anxiety and excitement but not so much that this turns this feeling into dread and fear otherwise the results could be disastrous resulting in a blind panic. You don’t want to put them off driving for life or give them a complex or indeed feed the learner’s own doubts.
Luckily, most young adults are naturally quite resilient. The buzz or the thrill the learner gets from being successful appears to cement the learning and boost motivation much more than would otherwise be the case. This only happens if the success can be attributed to the learner’s own efforts and for which failure seemed a real possibility (even though you realised the chances of failure might not have been as high as they thought). This is how natural learning works and is probably the most effective way for learning to take place with a full mind and body skill such as driving.
Depending upon the outcome of any structured experience this would nicely lead into a coaching conversation followed by another experience and so on. The coach uses their knowledge and experience to help the learner put together meaningful exercises that allow experiences to be had that can then be reflected upon.